When someone with ADHD—diagnosed or not—endures persistent psychological manipulation or emotional abuse, the effects can be far more damaging than they might first appear. The ADHD brain is wired for sensitivity, deep empathy, and often a powerful drive to solve problems and make things right. But in a toxic dynamic, these strengths can become vulnerabilities.
What begins as an effort to understand or appease an emotionally volatile person can quickly spiral into something consuming. The individual with ADHD may begin to adopt the abuser’s narrative, spending enormous mental and emotional energy trying to make sense of chaos that was never theirs to own. They may fight for the abuser’s cause, defend their version of events, and internalise blame that doesn’t belong to them.
As the drama escalates—more accusations, more conflict, more emotional intensity—the person may start losing touch with their own values and identity. It becomes easier to neglect personal responsibilities, relationships, and even professional boundaries, all in the name of protecting someone who is actively harming them and others. This pattern can be so intense and emotionally overwhelming that it mimics symptoms often associated with Borderline Personality Disorder: impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, irrational outbursts, and unstable relationships.
Left unchecked, this behaviour can be self-destructive. Personal reputations can suffer, careers can be jeopardised, and the very people one seeks to help may be pushed away. It’s a heartbreaking irony—trying so hard to “help” someone else that you lose sight of yourself and begin to hurt others in the process.
If you’re feeling trapped in a situation where everything feels urgent and out of control, that’s a sign—not of who you are, but of how deeply you’re being affected.
If any of this sounds familiar—either in your own life or in someone you care about—know that there is help. ADHD doesn’t have to mean chaos. With the right support, boundaries, therapy, and sometimes medical treatment, these patterns can be recognised and gently unwound. If you’re feeling trapped in a situation where everything feels urgent and out of control, that’s a sign—not of who you are, but of how deeply you’re being affected. You’re allowed to step back. You’re allowed to protect your peace. And you are absolutely worthy of support.
Here are a few first steps to consider if you feel like you’re caught in this kind of dynamic:
• Ask someone you trust what they’ve noticed. This isn’t always easy—but asking a close friend, family member or colleague if they’ve seen any changes in you can be a powerful mirror. Do they feel you’ve seemed more intense lately? Less focused? Anxious or distracted? Do they notice how quickly your attention shifts when your partner calls or shows up? You don’t need to make it a serious conversation if that feels too vulnerable—keep it light if you like. But really listen to their answers, even if they sting. Sometimes those closest to us can see things long before we do. And remember—your abuser may seem lovely, kind, even deeply caring to others, especially if their manipulation is working. You don’t have to convince anyone of your reality just yet. That part can wait.
• Speak to your GP. Let them know what’s been happening in your life—your GP can often identify signs of emotional abuse or dysregulation, even when it feels unclear to you. They can also create a Mental Health Care Plan so you can access a psychologist with Medicare rebates.
• See a psychologist—and be direct. When you’re ready, talk honestly with a therapist about your situation and ask if they see any patterns of concern. Sometimes they won’t share insights unless you invite them to—so don’t be afraid to ask what they’re noticing.
• Revisit your ADHD care. If you’ve been diagnosed but stopped taking medication, it might be time to speak with your psychiatrist. Mention what’s been going on, and ask if trying ADHD medication again might help bring some clarity, calm, and self-regulation back into your day-to-day.
It’s okay to need support. And it’s okay to ask questions—especially when things feel heavy, confusing, or out of character. Getting the right help can bring you back to yourself, one steady breath at a time.
